Every Parent’s Nightmare

The details are unknown, but the signs were all there. No texts, no answered messages or phone calls. The day before had been chaotic as I recognized the panic in his voice – as if he were a teen again. Anxiety always ran so deep with him, even as a child he had night terrors that lasted into his 20s – one even this summer when he was 30. When he panicked this however I knew I could not bring him down as I had always been able to do because he was so far away, I also knew he had to learn one day to do it on his own for when I was not around.

None of that is important anymore. It was three o’clock in the morning when the dogs jumped off the bed and started barking like they always did when Luke came home late. The anxiety I had raging though my gut was intense, yet at that very moment I could feel him tell me; “This is what it feels like to live in my body all the time momma. Please understand. Please don’t be angry.” Yet Luke had just left the day before to go back to LA

I checked the phone. No texts. Hours went by Saturday without them. I went down the hall and checked the bank transactions. None. He was always buying something small, or food on Uber eats. No, something was terribly terrible terribly wrong, and I began to pray. A mothers heart knows.

August 29th

Daylight came along with a sense of profound dread. California time was three hours behind so I could not call his friends until at least ten. Texts. yes, We’ll try that. One good friend of his responded by telling me he had Luke cancel a golf game the day before because he wasn’t feeling well. 

He told me he didn’t feel well too – he had airplane ear from the flight back and it had messed with his hearing and balance pretty bad. His brain was so on fire that he was in a full blown panic attack and needed something to calm him down. I’d be lying if I didn’t tell you the panic also rang of a decade old manipulation for finding a drug to calm down his opioid cravings. I just held my breath as I had danced with demon of his since his accident 11 years ago that almost killed him then. A nasty bugger to be sure.

Friends don’t hold the same panic parents do and Nick said he’d drive over in an hour or two to check on him. No code to get in the building however. We decided to call the police for a welfare check and waited by the phone. One hour and a half later I got the dreaded call; “Mam I am so sorry. There is never an easy way to give this news – but he is deceased – Apparent overdose - probably about 32 hours ago.” Yes – the time the dogs barked at the invisible presence down the hall.

Shock. Shock. Screams!!!! It couldn’t be true!! We had just spend the past two and a half months together having the time of our lives. He was healing, golfing, cooking, being the fun and wise uncle and loving adoring son. He had made plans to leave California and move back to NC to be closer to us all. He had found a new girlfriend – the most beautiful woman on the face of the earth! I bought him new custom golf clubs, two designers suites, a first class ticket back to LA. He was so excited to come home. Even when I dropped him off at the airport it was the first time we didn’t say ‘good-by’. Luke said” This is not good-bye mom. I’ll be home in two weeks! I love you!” Kiss and off he went. Little did we suspect that exactly two weeks later – exactly to the hour - his ashes would arrive back in his hometown.